The NSFW Guide to Removing Shame from Your Sex Life
Shame less.
When I was 18 I donated blood.
It was my first time ever.
I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, a strict cult like Christian religion.
Blood was sacred in the religion. Transfusions and donations were strictly prohibited, but I was in the beginning stages of my deprogramming and was feeling rebellious.
I thought nothing of the donation until a few weeks later when a letter arrived at my parents home addressed to me. I was fortunate to find it first, but what it contained broke me. As I read the words I fell into a deep pit of fear, terror and shame. My blood was rejected due to potential HIV.
I didn’t understand what I was reading. I was 18. I had sex with only two people at the time. I used protection. I was safe. How could this happen? My first thought was I was being punished. God was punishing me.
I destroyed the letter. I thought of ways to tell my parents, but the shame of them being right. Of my sins being paid back made the conversation impossible. I dived deeper and deeper into my shame. I had no one to speak to who wouldn’t judge me, condemn me or lead to me being excommunicated from the only life I ever knew.
For two years, I sat with this fear.
This thought that I was slowly dying.
Any weight change, I’d think it was the virus finally becoming AIDS.
I swore off any intimacy, so shamed by having to tell someone I was HIV positive. I lived in constant fear of every cough. I kept my secret because of shame, fear of people knowing that one time when I was 18 I had sex with a man and he gave me AIDS.
But, the virus never came. After two years I worked up enough courage to finally go to get tested for STDs. I was infection free. I was negative. Finally, I was able to speak to someone about my greatest shame. Told them about the letter. About the blood donation.
They looked at me and said, “Did you mark that you slept with male partners?”
I answered “yes”.
He then explained the letter was standard for any gay or bisexual men.
“Your blood wasn’t accepted because of the higher potential for HIV, not because you have HIV.”
Shame is a powerful methodology that for centuries has been used to control behavior.
Nearly every religion, culture and political affiliation use shame as a means to direct how people think, how they behave and how they view those in the world around them.
Shame not only increases financial support, in the form of tithings, but the emotional impact of shame is often used to invoke the belief in a higher power. If you can feel it, then it must be real.
In Adamic faiths, there is the belief in the original sin, an act of defiance that immediately brought the first feeling of shame.
Genesis 3:6-7 So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. 7 At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves."
Paradise, pre-shame.
Adam and Eve ate, realized they were standing naked, became shameful and immediately covered themselves, hiding from God. Even the original sin is based on shame of our nakedness.
The Quran addresses shame as well in Verse 7:26 where it discusses how clothing is given to cover shame, but that the robe of righteousness is better. This form of shame of body is enforced by threat of death in the most extreme forms of Islam.
Shame is a very painful feeling of humiliation caused by the awareness of a misdeed.
Shame has a moral imperative.
It is an embarrassment at the thought of a sin.
There exists an extreme shame. In the framework of shame-based religions, there is an understanding that the human being is inherently shameful. In this context, they teach that feeling sexual desire, immodesty, promiscuity, same sex attraction are shameful.
Their approach is very harmful to our wellbeing as humans.
Mary Lamia, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist writes, “[…] with shame, “bad” behavior is not separate from a “bad” self […]” In the context of religious doctrines this drives the human being to not view him/herself as self, but as sin itself.
Shame as the basis of faith leads to feelings of humiliation, disgrace, and inadequacies in the face of impossible standards. This is so damaging that in many cases it has led to rejection of a higher power and in extreme cases has led to violence.
For many, feelings of shame are part of an early indoctrination directly connected to a watchful power. They live their lives as if someone is watching them, fearful of shaming with their actions.
Fearful of punishment for their behavior.
Shame which can prevent intimate growth and reaching sexual enlightenment.
So how do we remove shame from our sex lives when it seems to surround us?
How do we break free from shame and live a life that is shame less?
Today we’re going to cover some methods of removing shame and viewing ourselves beyond the perceived sins we commit, especially in the bedroom.
First, understand that shame is a mental construct and like many mental constructs it can be broken down and rebuilt. While shame may feel real, how we view ourselves is way more important than how others view us.
Shame is a common and painful emotional experience. It tends to centre on a sense that there is something wrong with you, or that you are broken or defective in some way.
You can learn to identify and respond to shame. Many people experience a pattern of shame that is enduring and pervasive. Learning to meet shame with self-compassion is key to altering this pattern.
Familial Shame: Fear of parents, family views of us.
Partner Shame: Fear of how a partner may view us.
Societal Shame: Fear of how friends or strangers may view us.
Godly Shame: Fear of how God may view us.
Understand the origins of your shame. Many kinds of experiences, from mistreatment in childhood to social stigma, can contribute to chronic shame. It can be helpful to acknowledge circumstances that were outside of your control.
Check in with yourself to build self-compassion. When you’re distressed, asking yourself what would be helpful or what you might need in a given moment can help you discover better ways to cope.
Share in the context of safe relationships. Shame feeds on silence, and one of the most effective strategies to take power back from shame is to talk about your experience of it with people you trust.
Explore with Accepting People. When it comes to sexual exploration, it’s important to find those accepting and affirming of your interests. Seek out partners with shared interests. Be honest and upfront about things you might enjoy.
I want to close this off with a return to the story I opened with.
That initial shame I felt in many ways changed the course of my life.
Once the shame lifted, I was motivated to be more involved in sexual health courses in school and advocacy around regular testing. That work inspired a lot of what became The NSFW and much of the work I love today. If it wasn’t for that feeling of shame, I wouldn’t have recognized that many beyond myself were experiencing similar fears around sex.
After 20 years, I was finally in a place to share what happened to me to my father.
I told him the story of donating blood. The fear I felt. How scared I was to tell him and how this eventually led me to years of hating myself. He wasn’t defensive or dismissive. He hugged me and told me he was sorry.
Then went into a story of a good friend of his who died of AIDS and how no one would visit him before he died because of fear.
It was then I knew. He felt ashamed.
